I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
