Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
