Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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