dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
