It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
