He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
