really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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