I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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