When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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