I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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