I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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