I bet he comes in French.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
