we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
