i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
