He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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