you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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