If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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