im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
