you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Mom said you looked used
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
