He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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