I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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