Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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