i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
