This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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