The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize