Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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