1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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