i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
