We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
