this just has baby written all over it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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