I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
