Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
