do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
