i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
