Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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