Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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