i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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