He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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