my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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