so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
