Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
