and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
