brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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