The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
