Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
