Your mouth is God's brothel.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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