Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
