you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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