omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
