What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
