Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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