i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
