20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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