Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
