What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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