So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
