Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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