fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
